Monday, April 15, 2013

bite my tongue, taste the blood

After being completely devastated about the Boston Marathon --- having found out online on my phone, checking it after getting to the bus terminal after yet another incredibly frustrating day; two weeks worth (in which I just diligently/silently sucked the fuck up, since it's just not worth the confrontation) at work --- I felt like I needed to connect with a friend, and this is what came out of me.

K: I don't want to live on this planet anymore, Bobby....

B: I know.

K: I'm worried all I'll ever do is work my ass off, have chronic pain every day of my life, try to be as outwardly vigilant and protest however possible, and then one random day, my body seizes up from whatever crap has piled up in my body, and that's that... and in this society now, we're all desensitized to death, so a lot of people will stop and go 'oh my god' for a good 15 minutes (and ha, how our culture lives for their 15 minutes of fame) and all will be forgotten, and seriously, I just embrace nothingness because of everything I know that is inevitable.
My brain has been so overloaded analyzing everything as much as it possibly can, and because of that, it hurts all the time, and I cannot go to sleep without some sedative involved.

B: A lot to respond to. Yeah, it's hard not to feel bleak and existential about everything... I know. the world is sick, the government is corrupt, life is hard. I think the best way to feel better starts with treating the body and the mind better.
eat more raw foods. that's what your body wants.
don't drink or smoke or do drugs. for a while.
you will start to see a change in everything
the way the world seems and your perception of it
what you take from it, bring to it and so on

K: Am I too off kilter to feel this way?
or I mean, am I crazy for feeling this way.
do others perceive me as a lunatic, I worry.
no one fucking talks to ME, down here. they talk AT me, they order me around, but god dammit.

B: I don't think so, maybe you shouldn't live down there. It's Florida, right?

To this, I wasn't exactly sure how to respond. From my experiences, it 'seems' to be that not being to properly communicate with people happened after my move from Indiana, and grew worse when I was a chubby awkward dork with no friends, that's in essence when I began my relationship with the computer, the internet, writing out everything (especially how I feel) ---- learning about all the things that make me worry for everyone's existence........... while everyone else is able to have lives and act normal and be (blissfully, ignorantly) happy? I'm not quite sure how to feel tonight. These insidious awful events need to stop. It hurts to know that this shit can only be the beginning to something very frightening, and I'm trying to remain strong as fucking ever. If I never write anything as remotely meaningful as this again, I'd really like everyone to know, to everyone I've met, and even to those haven't (pen pals, anyone who actually reads this drivel) --- you've all touched my heart, and I wish we could all live in a progressive society that is disciplined, worked together, lived harmoniously, and where we weren't fucking idiots. alas, why blame the people when oh! who makes everyone hate everybody? Western Civilization, give up the ghost. Your overbearing days are over, and we, THE WORLD, do not wish to be your fucking slaves. Eat shit and die, and let the people rebuild anew without your pesky bullshit fucktard NEO NAZI WAYS.

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