Confessions of an exile.

"They make it look so easy... connecting with another human being. It's like no one told them it's the hardest thing in the world."

True connections. Something I thought I had somewhere else... but it was just a big stupid lie. Some bonds which I perceived as unshakable, or some thought to be strong - that are no longer. And then I think to myself... how can you blame them, right? That a person is only useful to another when you're physically in their presence? Outside of that, there's no purpose for me. Purposeless. Did anyone ever really care for anything that came out of my mouth? It feels like everything I said during that two year period is buried in a heavy fog.
Everything had to be so complicated. So complicated, that I'd just shack myself up alone, the majority of the time... just unable to go out and connect. Eventually, the way time crawled as I laid, many of times, huddled up in my bed, upset, in my head, alone, confused... the whiskey started voluntarily slipping down my throat, and there was nothing I could do about it. There was no one, no one, that could connect with the my extreme level of disconnect, so I had to shut it up.
What began so pleasant, a new life in a new town, where everyone just seemed so warm and welcoming it felt as if I got to begin anew and really make some true, concrete connections post-cataclysmic college crap, I wasn't prepared for fuck arounds, mindgames, people doing things so appalling to my ethical standards (which obviously, we all have different perspectives) while I tried to keep ignoring it - I found myself converting, beginning to make the same idiotic mistakes. And I made more. Then, after I had attempted (probably my own fucked up head of a way, yet at times in my own plain innocent way) to get closer with others, got ceremoniously shut down in difficult, soul crushing ways. What was so wrong with me, I pondered, when it seemed everyone I'd witnessed in most ways - were just as fucked up and damaged as I was? Why wasn't I allowed to feel the comfort of the ones I thought I could truly connect with? Hence, the retaliations began. What sober, calm Karyn would never conceive, drunk Karyn was willing to say, to anyone, to 'get back' at them. The hurt, pissed off person that was too messed up to even feel comfortable to connect with anyone just wanted to inflict pain on anything that felt stabbing - so for example, if I was aware of a friend that was in some way fucked over by someone else I knew, naturally I wanted to put in my two cents. And if anyone fucked with me, it was a shitfest. One night at a local bar, I put on a shitshow after my purse was taken from the bar stool. Going back to it at the end of the night and discovering the disappearance, drunk as a skunk, I erupted into a feverish spectacle... and didn't remember it. Feeling instinctively awful the next day waking up, I asked my friend Matt what had happened. What was said make me feel like the biggest jerk in the world. He told me to apologize to the bartender, who was always wonderful to me, and I did... later that day.
What no one could understand was, I couldn't give it up. Mystery diagnosis leg pain required the booze. There wasn't anything else that was helping me - for after it initially rose into a situation, I feverishly told anyone who would listen what was wrong... but then that made me an annoyance, and was shot down because my pain sucked the fun out of everything. Alcohol made me shut up about it, squeezed the lid on tight. But my demon would find easy passage after the liquids were ingested, it flooded the dam and burst - lips would open - daggers would fly, and pierce.
After that, it was keep to myself, keep everything in, don't hurt anyone, don't even deal with another, the end. Of the friends who stuck by me despite it all, they knew who I really was, what I really stood for, how harmless I was. I miss them.... especially the ones who seem so stuck, alone as well, despite the abundance of 'friends' milling around them in that small town... but I do feel for many of the others, that are too damaged to let anyone else in. Just like me... until now.
I'm not lying when I say that Florida, as 'put down' and 'made fun of' as the notion of the idea of moving, of all places, here, was to the ones in that small town... has been the best thing that could have ever happened to me. My mom and I, for the most part, had a nice mostly peaceful reunion for a few months while we pinned down the mystery and now my leg feels better every week. Our tectonic shift at the end will subside, and I for one believe we will be okay, because sometimes you have to weather a storm, but you pick yourself up, and you tell that other person sorry. A real, honest to god, apology. Which is something no one knows how to do anymore. They're justified in their actions, they do nothing wrong. But you know what? That's how you lose your connections. I would know, because I've done it. Arrogance runs rampant in the 21st century, and despite how you think you REALLY feel? You're wrong. and you have to own up to it.
Picking up and leaving everything you convinced yourself to think was you, having to deal with yourself for a few months as you get back on your feet, the realization does eventually hit: it wasn't. While there's no easy way to just go make a solid connection down here, sometimes fate brings in a helping hand and brings in someone who will weather your insecurities and reassure you that you are something wonderful to be cherished, as much as you don't want to believe that about yourself anymore. I'm making a close connection. No matter how difficult it may be, dealing with idiosyncrasies that are very much like your own (and the last thing you'd ever want to do is admit it) it just keeps getting better. It's finally happening, and it feels really nice.

'dem kooksters

earlier...

now, late night, which I haven't seen in a while. superfuntimes listening to a badass classical music online radio station with Peebles. He is currently bopping around to its pure decadence.

he just had an unnatural hiccup.

don't you go chasin' waterfalls on me now!

the daddy mac will make ya

that sexy bass line...

wtf gif

facts, jeremy, facts...

[F]UNDAE!

two thumbs up for nudity, and tattoos!


my weekend hath started. heavenly. big decision of the morning: going to look into purchasing a monthly pass to a yoga studio to combat the pain of my back and leg, which is on month four of the healing process; still throbby pain-filled. the intensity of a busy kitchen and the mile and a half walk to the bus afterwards does significantly slow me down and ache me up. have been trying to combat the pain with some moves and videos from Mitsie, my Virgo stepmom, aficionado of everything. hopefully Chris wakes up soon so we can take a glorious morning walk to the bayou... the manatees are callin' me, callin' me... little voices keep callin' me callin' me...

you don't say...

your 'other' likes on facebook tell quite a story:


Magic Hat Brewing Company, xkcd, Questionable Content, Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, Marlon Brando, Downtown Northampton, Tuesday Market, Friedrich Nietzsche, Bring Yuengling to New England, One Nation Working Together, David Cross, Twisted Toys, NAYP: Northampton Area Young Professionals, Henry Thomas, Northampton Zombie Pubcrawl, Terry Gilliam, Steve Carell, Jennifer Nery, LAc, Moshi Moshi Japanese Restaurant, Reverend Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping, Jean-Paul Sartre, The Malarians, The Mal Thursday Show, PONDS, Sometimes your knight in shining armor is just a retard in tin foil, Dr. Sketchy's Northampton, I HATE JASON MARRERO, Shooting yourself with your fingers when you get frustrated., When I was younger I would record my favorite songs off the radio onto tape, Pleasant Street Theater, Phoned-In, Downtown Sounds, Kathy's Diner, Meowing back at a cat when it meows at you, Trials and Tribulations, Clark Griswold, Willsboro Bay Marina, The Coyote Choir, Lucky's Tattoo and Piercing, Half a Girl, Courtney Brooke, Mark Morford, Listen, Dammit, Herrell's Ice Cream, Faces, Lake Champlain, FML, Dan Savage, The Hartford Party Starters Union, SARK, Bill Murray, Ira Glass, This American Life, The Huffington Post, Upstate New York, President George Washington, NPR, John Cleese, Cats Wearing Hats, Eating & Drawing, The New Yorker, Suicide Girls, Conduit Labs, The New York Times, Monday Night Is Game Night At Hugos, Real girls stay. Hoes come & go. Little boys play around. Real men settle down., Edgar Allan Poe, UnderGrounds Coffee House, Wildflower Cafe, Newsweek, Winston Churchill, Blake Lively, George Carlin, Jon Stewart, Jennifer Saunders, Richard Hammond, James May, Jeremy Clarkson, Michael Palin, Graham Chapman, Terry Jones, Stephen Fry, Steve Coogan, Alan Davies, Howard Zinn, Art of the Home, Big Fred's Roast Beef, Occupy Together, Occupy Boston, OccupyDC K St, Occupy Wall St., Occupy Tampa, The Other 98%, Sheldon Cooper, Noah's Ark Club House, Hyperbole and a Half, StoryCorps, The Stig, ForAmerica, National Review, NewsBusters.org, Adbusters, Different is Good • Help Protect The River, WRSI - 93.9, Marc Spitz, Noam Chomsky, Lights On Tampa 2011, ShitMyDadSays, Dalai Lama, C3 northampton, Sparks!, Dr. Sheldon Cooper, Jonathan Safran Foer, David Sedaris, David Foster Wallace, Noah Baumbach, The Daily Beast, Truthout, The Economist, Little Alaska, News Media Guild, Donald Glover, TechCavalry, Georgia O'Keeffe, Smith College Museum of Art, Chuck Klosterman, Bernie Sanders, Perry Baron Huntoon, Artist, Slate.com, Northampton Center for the Arts, Moss from The IT Crowd, Small Business Saturday, Northampton Winter Farmers Market, Valley Free Radio, The Northampton Survival Center, Dailypuppy, geek girls network, ThinkGeek, Salon, Jezebel, Grow Food Northampton, Boo, Artists for World Peace, Northampton Health Department, CCSU Blue Devil Soccer

thinking of you...

i miss my dad, and my brother. (celebration of my first birthday and my brothers 3rd, september babes)

ON A ROLL. RON-A-ROLL.

After a long day of work, sore back pain issues, and my talkative bus ride with Dan (the driver, my buddy) I stepped off and went to buy a little something for my unusual craving for sweet. A little one year old boy (that reminded me of Harrison on Dexter) was sitting in a cart at the check-out whining, and as I approached, looked at him like 'whats up lil' guy?' followed by an actual utterance of 'hey lil buddy' getting his complete silent attention. Pressing my mini ice cream package against his hand, I said "oooooh, coooold!" and he LOVED it and wanted me to do it over, and over, and over... and when it was all really over, he gave me a very heart melting tiny wave goodbye. lil' dude was a cutie. then i donated a dollar to breast cancer, after having recently purchased a hot pink air dryer (for my new incredibly short hairdo) in which supposedly proceeds of the cost would go to breast cancer too. yay bewbies!
feeling super jolly lately, looking up volunteer work, and totally gonna get me some Rosetta Stones so I can learn Russian and French.



HAH-HAH YEAH!

dali-dali-oxen free

ps: the dali museum is quite surreal-ly astounding!

tripped and fell right into the lifeboat.

choosing to and trying my best to stay in a positive frame of mind, and so far what that really entails the most of doing at this present time is trying to have more confidence in myself - and to forget the ones who had tried to shake up my insides. have been doing much better with this but having the internet again, my curiosity kills me and i sometimes curtail into the past... constant reminder to self: the past is obsolete and i can only do better from here.
who knows where i'll end up midway through 2012.
could be here, there, or abroad.
until then, important things to take care of: eye exam, new glasses, passport (although the process sounds like a pain in my pancre-ASS) chopping off all this ridiculous long hair, staying smiley and giggly. :)

buy bye, bye buy...

1920's

1930's

a real volcano in the sack

Exceptionally Lovely




Midnight in Paris

— MOVIECLIPS.com

Were you scared?

"You'll never write well if you fear dying." Hemingway in Midnight in Paris

stop looking for answers in everyones face

to humphrey bogart

"When I was 17 and fell in love with boyfriend I heard this on the b side of Virginia Plain and thought it was soooo gently sophisticated. Now at 54, I still think so, even after a lot of other sophisticated things. Not many songs you can go back to and feel the same." (random youtube comment)

bonjour mademoiselle!

we own the sky.

gumby vs. godzilla

mighty ducks!

my shadow is a dude.

lamey.

Tried to put an embed link of Eddie Murphy as Gumby in here, but if you're really that interested, search for it instead!

Here's something fun...

"Damn! It's about time that someone puts the decorum back into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, playas!"

A brilliant 'review' on Amazon.com of The Obamas:

'Let's give it up for Barry and Michelle, playas! Now, can you dig that, sucka?!'
by Hassan Z. Brockovich Sr.

"I just came back from one of the last, few, Occupy-Wall Street rallies that are still being held across the U.S. in their final pockets of resistance, but while I was protesting my bleeding heart out, I managed to also get in some light reading because I had an advance copy of The Obamas, Kantor's fine new book. Now, while the reading was a little, tiny bit heavy for me because there were no brightly colored pictures as well as really big print for me to focus on easily, I still managed to enjoy this flattering portrait of America's first, color-breaking family of blacks in the White House.

Kantor is a brilliant author, and this shows in how she is able to very vividly paint a breathtaking account of what a real first family and first marriage is all about--unlike that no good George W. Bush, with all his Christianity, praying and humility (that librarian wife of his was no prize either, lemme tell ya). But The Obamas really in my mind epitomized why Barack and Michelle have single-handedly succeeded in making America that "shining city on the hill" again after Dubya p i s s e d all over it from 2000 to 2008.

For one, unlike that Bushhitler, Barry and Michelle are extremely, extremely humble and low-key, which is EXACTLY what the American people still suffering 9% unemployment (and 17% real unemployment if you count those poor souls who just quit looking for work altogether) expect from their great leaders, after all! I think that this humble attitude of Barry's and Michelle's was shown no better than in their very concealed and hidden 2009 "Alice in Wonderland" extravaganza where they threw an elaborate partay for Johnny Depp (Mr. Gilbert Grape) and Tim Burton while Michelle was keeping it real in sexay leopard costume, rowr!!

I praise Barry and Michelle for concealing this from the American public all this time because they knew exactly that all Americans (even those black people who voted for Obama just because he is black, too) would be very angry at them for living it up while the rest of the country is in the POOR HOUSE. So the cover-up by the Obama Administration of this sweet shindig was obviously a way of them showing their respect and humility to all the other Americans who could not and still cannot afford to live that large. Again, what amazing and saintly humanity from Barry and Michelle, unlike that Dubya bad guy whose idea of "humanity" was to k i l l some Muslims!

I also enjoyed how Kantor's book took a real look at how Barry and Michelle brought back decorum to the White House again! After that Bush h i t l e r ruined all of America's decorum by saying profane phrases like F *** S a d d a m before liberating the Iraqis and calling the NYT misrepresentation machine Adam Clymer a major-league *** h o l e, I'm glad that Barry and M o o c h e l l e are setting the bar higher. Again, Kantor is kind enough to include an example that illustrates this perfectly. For example, how about the remarkable time when WH spokesman/press secretary Robert Gibbs (now working at your local fast food place) used the F-word when speaking to Valerie Jarrett about Michelle Obama?! I know, right?!?! When I read that wonderful passage, I was like, "Damn! It's about time that someone puts the decorum back into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, playas!" And with that example, Barry and Michelle sure as hell did.

In sum, I urge you to go out and buy this book because it will show you that Barry and Michelle are 100% superior than Dubya and Laura, hell than any conservatives or Republicans in the history of the U.S. Since Obama is doing an absolutely fantastic job of saving the U.S. economy from the death imposed on it by Bush h i t l e r--which can be seen in Obama masterfully lowering the unemployment rate to a barely better 8.5% from the already awesome 8.7% of a month ago--it is obvious that you now have a lot of money in your pocket. After all, you got 0.02% jobs back, playa! So what are you waiting for? Give back to Barack and Michelle some of the money they have already ensured that you have thanks to extended unemployment benefits, and show them how much you appreciate them giving you welfare by buying their book.

Current state of affairs.

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes." - William Gibson


I'll try not to be too dismayed by the fact that most of my friends are just still trying to act 'cool' when their potential (I'm not even TRYING to be condescending and say 'full potential'... just saying... ANY potential to which I know they have a higher capacity) could be/is of such a higher caliber... and used for the greater good... I myself am attempting to find that certain goal to achieve that would bring me more peace that exists within my body at the moment.
it seems awkwardly sad for my 'young at heart' soul to admit, but I'm a bit afraid of the whole 'all fun and games' aspect of the younger generations. discipline seems to have been swept under the current completely. 'do what you wanna do.' that goes for anyone, doing anything. having always been quite modest (minus the last two devilish years) I just cannot bear idiocy from people who should be of proper intellect and understanding by now. Aka, if you're running with a 'clique' past 25, get over it, get out on your own and stop worrying about bullshit. Do what you GOTTA do, for yourself, and for others. Everyone needs to stop this superiority bullshit.

SONG DONATIONS!

awesome friends that helped recommend these: tommy benson, ross martowski, anna waltman, kathryn leigh.

spewing words with incorrect copyediting

"The more you know, the more you know you don't know and the more you know that you don't know." - David Byrne


what's been coming out on display for myself to see lately: how easily frustrated and upset i can become. since my weekend is sunday and monday, miss lazybutt decided to have 30 minute intervals of sleep on each side from about 9am till noon - reached for my phone on the bedside table, to realize it had rather apparently crapped out completely. so, you know, after having had the phone crap out up north early last summer, the one i shared on a family plan with my mother for a couple months, to then get this one on my own, metro pcs... and have it go out. see, when bad things happen in 2's or 3's for me - basically if it repeats itself again, i go apeshit.
i tried not to go apeshit. but inadvertently so, i gave chris hell. it wasn't directed at him whatsoever, i was just going off about my shit luck. basically, you'd never want to see me hit bankrupt on 'wheel of fortune.' so he seemed to tense up significantly. luckily in my attempts to talk out the situation, he admitted to sometimes feeling like he has to tiptoe on eggshells around me. a morose feeling swept over me in silence. but... i can't help it. he can't help it. we're both individuals with high levels of anxiety. everything has been pretty smooth lately, until this afternoon.
after the grocery store had stressed me out some more, while making grilled cheese and soup on the gas stove, i accidentally lit the handle of the pan on fire because this idiot was attempting to do three things at once and got REALLY mad at herself for it after everything was put out and okay, to where i was just frozen in a trance, standing there. chris came over and stood next to me and gave me a hug. i try to press my forehead into his chest as best i can, because my brain always hurts so much.
i also have a weird cysty tumor thing a little bit below my armpit (which is what I had assumed to be a spider bite a couple months ago, has been ruled out) looking up a million things online about it and trying to do whatever i can (including taking vitamin e and popping the liquid gel caps to put some on the area) if it's breast cancer, well let's just say at this point after every fucking thing that's happened, i just shouldn't be surprised, right? if i sound pissed, i'm really not. it might be true, i might not be able to feel anything anymore. i'll let you know when i do.

grilled cheese monday

it's a sponge's life, in the water.

superfriends, the legendary superpowers show!

gimmie some lovin'

strangers with candy

everything is so fantastic i could poop myself right now.



i'll blame it on Dizzy.

kekeke

talking to my gorilla friends at the monkey sanctuary.

photo by chris

north by northwest

dayyyyyuummmm

decided to give early genesis a try (from my favorite youtube station) and i'm lovingggggg it.


WOO!

chilly hands

listening to old volumes of early pink floyd (ala syd barrett, when he was losing his mind on da'drugs) on this incredibly first official chilly day/evening of the season... high in the 40s, supposed to be in the 20's tonight. currently i'm adorning a hoodie with a sweater underneath. see the problem is down here... you have warm weather for the longest time then all of a sudden... you're in the ice box. and with the general blood thinning process that goes on the longer you're down here... you end up like a co-worker of mine [native to florida] who puts on a million layers just to go to sleep at night. luckily with the space heater and down comforter, I should be okay. the only thing that bothers me: you're much more prepared in the northeastern climate for these ... and the fact that it involved SINGLE DIGIT nights. a friend up north today said it is in those digits... and there's no way i'd be able to cope with it. honestly, I don't know how they do it.

here's to hoping my shower tomorrow morning won't be anymore devastating when emerging from it afterwards this morning.

boys will be boys will be boys

"They won't understand it."

After Peebles said those two words (with a vowel in between) aloud while they were ordering Chinese inside 'China Taste', having listened to this in the car on the way over... visibly ruffling Gracy's feathers... and then Peebles said...

there ain't no easy way out.

"I feel free!" said me, with characteristic brevity.
being lonesome is but a mere figment of the imagination.
now that the tall telling device has returned
fingers click clacking on the keys
adventurous stories will be fleshed out.
"this too, shall pass."
don we now our new year, and the skepticism it may bring.
and for those who attempt to tell stories during this year,
stories of empowerment to overcome our 'impending' doom,
of families who are flustered with financial failure,
and the push for progressive prominence.
our need to succeed.
not the corporations.

You can stand me up at the gates of hell but I won't back down.

revitalization.

"...a deeply satisfying, liberating experience; perhaps you will simply enjoy yourself with more gusto and freedom than usual and take pleasure in life. There may be a very meaningful encounter during this time - with your partner, someone close to you, or someone whom you have never met before. This encounter will be so deep and personal that you will have the opportunity to perceive and possibly even discuss things about yourself that you have preferred to suppress up to now, and not reveal to anyone. Thus, you have the chance to behave differently and, for once, to act out of character and acknowledge your injury or sensitivity, without having to fear being hurt or rejected once more."