Danger Will Robinson, Danger

Positions Applied for Today: 5
Positions I Will Knowingly Apply for tomorrow: 3
Positions Applied for in the past week previous to today but waiting to hear back from (but probably won't): 7
Grand Total Positions Applied To: 666 (jokes! but honestly I don't want to know)

Current Stress Level: close to banging my head against a wall but am resisting for the sake of my brain cells. also close to hyperventilating.

Also, can't 'continue the hiring process' with Delta if I don't have a passport. Lame. I'm assuming I'd be only flying inside the country...

Plan #8675309

I don't want to be in this awkward living situation anymore. It's been too weird, I made my valiant attempt to duke it out for as long as I have, and the stressful home environment leaves no room for anything good to happen.
Delta left me a voice message for the second or third time. My friend (who persuaded me to apply, is a flight attendant himself - and a graciously wonderful person) urged me last night to at least entertain the idea and call them back, see what they want at least. It's been a while since I've seen that friend, and he was calmly reassuring. Basically said I don't belong - dealing with these jerk bosses, that I could be my own boss.
I agreed.
I'm sorry, dad. I know you can't deal with the idea of me taking such a leap of faith, that you don't think I can handle it, but how am I supposed to know that if I don't try? My friend even has such complete faith in me that he wants to help loan me money for a car... but see, I don't even want that. I'm sure I could figure out a way to get from place to place that doesn't involve me having to personally obtain a vehicle, given the fact that with what I've experienced with cars, I will admit I'm quite petrified of them, but am an excellent co-pilot - so I find a carpool. Something. Bus transportation is apparently cheap these days.
I need to test these public relation skills to the max... and these situations that I'm in AREN'T CUTTING IT. They're all pushing me back from my real potential. You've seen it shine before, but the sun's been gone for way too long. It's got to come out again, it can't here.
Funny how we had the sarcastic exchange on the phone yesterday about letting each other know when the other finds nirvana. I got the voice message from Delta later on in the evening.
I'd have extensive training (which I need and want) and would get paid for it. I'd get health benefits. And yes, I know I'd need to go get my leg 'fixed' (or whatever is wrong with it, healed)
Everything you think I won't be good at I want to challenge completely. The bullshit has always made me stronger. It's what keeps me going - as warped as it may be.
Understatement of my life: I've gotten too damn personal with the world.
(If I get the position I hope to have an interview with this week, Plan #8675309 might be canceled and rerouted.)

This is painful.

Left leg.






Right leg.





:(

It's inevitable.

please excuse my french.

My brain has been taken over by ? marks.

All I can constantly think about lately is how fucked up everything is. Trust me, I'm the last person who WANTS to be cynical right now, I've been trying so desperately to find a job and a place where I belong, given that my idiosyncratic way of being doesn't seem to mix kosherly with everyone (something I've experienced lately) because of how outgoing, honest, and talkative I am. No, no one wants that anymore - for I was told recently to 'stop talking as much' (when I only am with customers - who are the ones who sometimes make conversation with me) and who am I to ignore them - especially when there is no one else in line, everything is spic, span, and stocked?
COME ON. I WAS TOLD NOT TO HAVE A PERSONALITY - co-workers (the two other twentysomething females there) confided in a mere two days of me being there that they did extra bending over backwards (coming in early, opening, extra odds/ends) for cryptically aforementioned manager - to obtain their deserved pay raises.
They haven't seen it yet.
They both, at different times, exclaimed to me on shift, "What's stopping me from just walking out right now?"

After a shift ended a couple days ago, I went in to report to my manager for his general feedback - in cryptic, broken English - with an apparent snide, 'I don't have you scheduled for next week.'
Completely confused, I try to confidentially make out, 'Why am I not scheduled next week?'
To which he didn't give me an answer.
I didn't prod. I nodded in false understanding, accepting the nonsense.
While I was told to come back next Friday to 'talk,' (which could simply be him at least making it apparent that I'm not getting jipped out of next weeks paycheck) I began my trek home in the snow, doing at times, the sad Charlie Brown slouch.
My mind was in absolute disarray. 'I don't think there's a job in the world for me,' my sad state seemed to accept. five minutes down the street, I accidentally slipped and fell on the right side of my butt, twisting my leg funny, and successfully re-activating (and bruising) the troubled spot on my varicose leg.
Whether or not I still am employed, is questionable. While he said he'd talk to the owner about the other location, he didn't necessarily say I was let go.

A really awesome job was referred to me by a friend after I sadly got home and wrote him a more succinct version, but after checking my e-mail and looking up the ad today (for obviously I've learned most don't check on weekends) ... it was already taken off of Craigslist.

So - the stuck feeling has set in again - along with the scared current state of the world dreams.

Man, being overly aware RULES.

THANX DUDES.

Never knew who or how many people looked at my blog until the other day, when I finally stumbled upon the stats page. This is a screenshot of my 'all-time' page views! WOW, all ya'll rule.

For that, you get a song that I can't stop playing repetitively.




AND some cheesy pictures of me taken by my prehistoric flip-phone:




(Ja-eyyyyyyyyYYyyYY, eff kay! "You don't know it but you ah full of stars.")



If and when in this life I actually have money, I'll eventually hold an ice cream social on Sunday so sundaes can be enjoyed on their respective day.

"Why?"

Spent my ENTIRE Saturday playing with a two & a half year old that's cooler than everyone else. Quinn sang Barbara Ann, I was a human slide, and we both said our NOMS while eating p-i-zz-a. I read Peter Pan aloud, we both acted like bears, and even watched miscellaneous Sesame Street skits... Quinn all slouched onto my right side with his arm around mine. He eventually sat on my lap so I could help him get his shoes on to leave for his mom's. He gave me a high five and a goodbye hug, David came back Quinn-less but with a Delirium Tremens in hand and it was enjoyed in two tall glasses.



Not looking forward to negative temperature days and nights, and two more feet of snow.

I think it's time we...

It'd really be nice to start a Common Sense group - meeting once a week. I could very well make a list of questionable topics / things I hear and pick up in the news everyday and just throw them out there to everyone - and hot debate could ensue, but hopefully some honest, hard thinking would be a product - could also take it upon myself to record (take minutes, formulate into articles) post another blog online - could be a very beneficial project. Hugos, at an earlier time - with beer involved, would probably be the best commonplace for such sense, unless anyone actually wanted to sacrifice their abode for an hour or two.

Anyone would be allowed to say anything they want - nothing is stupid - to try and attempt building and structuring general ideas/concepts, learn about others different ways of thinking, no matter how backwards it may seem... tensions may flare, but hopefully it wouldn't come to that, since there is a basic common purpose involved - a better future.

could, would, should, I'm hopeful, how about it?

Hm.

On a random note, I officially detest Mr. and Mrs. "I know everything there is to singing," Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler. I've written this entry while my muted television in the background has these quackers on - AMERICAN IDOL! They get to make crude comments to noobs! J-Lo's from da Bronx - she gonna laugh you up, grrrrl.

PROLEtarian.

Feeling like a Grandma lately... m'bones are all achy. Started rereading 1984 yesterday. WINSTON HAS A VARICOSE ULCER ON HIS RIGHT LEG! Crazily enough, I think the unemployment time period gave mine some much needed rest, and although I'm chubbier, much of the pain in my leg has subsided. It's still not good as new, but I can go the distance with it not bothering me all too much.
So... D&D (and no, not Dungeons and Dragons) is okay, called today to see if I should walk in the snow, sleet, and fog to work five hours - to be told not to, so it looks like it's going to be a book reading day, although I've requested from a potentially awesome job to send me some research to study, because I'd like to prepare in case that happens. The boss of this job said he didn't want to see an intelligent woman get burnt out at such the place I'm at now, (man, where was this guy a year and a half ago?) then again I also might have the opportunity to work with one of the best groups of people ever - so I am waiting ever so patiently.
I really want to start going on adventures again soon.

and lose more weight. or should I embrace voluptuous-ness? (my boobs are bigger. it's weird.)

if you smile upon me i'll smile upon you too

Dear World,

I love life right now.

like,

really.

I'm not lying!

INDESCRI-BABBLE.

Now back to feeling SILLY, selfish, and DIZZY.

kuh-kuh-kuh-kiss & bliss.

disjointed but ambidextrous.



my theme song. ferizzle.

SCARY TRUE STATEMENT ALERT

"We're making a mistake, allowing children to learn how to exploit the power of anonymity on the internet way before they've learned table manners or real responsibi­lity. It leaks into their real-life personas and we wonder why kids are so difficult to discipline or communicat­e with in schools. And then it feeds back into this meaningles­s absurdity they call "entertain­ment news."

Enjoy your young adulthoods now, early 20-somethi­ngs to late 30-somethi­ngs. The generation­s coming after to take care of you will be too busy texting to even know how to get a job."

- Random comment found on an article.

Halp.

not so pleasant, pleasantries

B is for banality,
A is for atrocity,
R is for retroflex,
F is for flacid.

One epiphany

of the many I've been having lately: paying attention to detail... it's like I finally opened my eyes again. Why I was so blind for a while: too much noise. Tuning it all out really seems to work. Back to drawing I go... (which is another New Years resolution to do more of.)


Something completely different, totally cheesy for this song:

The Big Bang Theory

While normally I'm sounding off about every little stupid thing, I got nothing right now. Absolutely nothing. I've been really quiet lately. And while I wish I could be totally open about something happening at this given moment, it'd be like selling out. Discovering a part of myself that I didn't know existed....... is scary, but so thrilling.