please excuse my french.

My brain has been taken over by ? marks.

All I can constantly think about lately is how fucked up everything is. Trust me, I'm the last person who WANTS to be cynical right now, I've been trying so desperately to find a job and a place where I belong, given that my idiosyncratic way of being doesn't seem to mix kosherly with everyone (something I've experienced lately) because of how outgoing, honest, and talkative I am. No, no one wants that anymore - for I was told recently to 'stop talking as much' (when I only am with customers - who are the ones who sometimes make conversation with me) and who am I to ignore them - especially when there is no one else in line, everything is spic, span, and stocked?
COME ON. I WAS TOLD NOT TO HAVE A PERSONALITY - co-workers (the two other twentysomething females there) confided in a mere two days of me being there that they did extra bending over backwards (coming in early, opening, extra odds/ends) for cryptically aforementioned manager - to obtain their deserved pay raises.
They haven't seen it yet.
They both, at different times, exclaimed to me on shift, "What's stopping me from just walking out right now?"

After a shift ended a couple days ago, I went in to report to my manager for his general feedback - in cryptic, broken English - with an apparent snide, 'I don't have you scheduled for next week.'
Completely confused, I try to confidentially make out, 'Why am I not scheduled next week?'
To which he didn't give me an answer.
I didn't prod. I nodded in false understanding, accepting the nonsense.
While I was told to come back next Friday to 'talk,' (which could simply be him at least making it apparent that I'm not getting jipped out of next weeks paycheck) I began my trek home in the snow, doing at times, the sad Charlie Brown slouch.
My mind was in absolute disarray. 'I don't think there's a job in the world for me,' my sad state seemed to accept. five minutes down the street, I accidentally slipped and fell on the right side of my butt, twisting my leg funny, and successfully re-activating (and bruising) the troubled spot on my varicose leg.
Whether or not I still am employed, is questionable. While he said he'd talk to the owner about the other location, he didn't necessarily say I was let go.

A really awesome job was referred to me by a friend after I sadly got home and wrote him a more succinct version, but after checking my e-mail and looking up the ad today (for obviously I've learned most don't check on weekends) ... it was already taken off of Craigslist.

So - the stuck feeling has set in again - along with the scared current state of the world dreams.

Man, being overly aware RULES.