intimate lamp

I haven't been to a house party in a very long time, and feel compelled to write about this as if I were a little awkward girl writing about her experience in her little paper journal:

My friends Cora, Adam, Eon, Pam, and I went to the 'Chicken Ranch' party. It was weird. I brought a bottle of Jim Beam nipper filled Diet Coke, and continued with cans of IPA with snapperfish emblazoned on them. The crew set up their equipment in a strange attic. I attempted to socialize away from them and failed: drank more. Ate some salad. Looked at some purple hair. Overheard some mediocre conversations. Two people I actually knew showed up... actually, I made them come. Watched my friends make twinkles that everybody enjoyed. A few fuzzy events and some time elapsed = Alisa, Cora and I DJ-ing a little IPod in a corner of the kitchen while the masses conversed. Too hip to breathe. Had to leave. Watched Eddie Izzard, fell asleep on a couch, and had a weird dream about a bookstore. FIN.

Flow infinitely like the memory of my n***a, Biggie - BABY.

A dream that occurred recently was trying to tell me something: sensibility has been so overshadowed - if you want to say something prolific, ya gotta yell it these days. alas you can't, must use your 'inside voice' everywhere.

In dreamworld: Two guys started getting pissy-pissy with each other by a pool table. Sensing they were going to use the pool balls before it was even a thought in their head, while still arguing (and not noticing me, because hah, who ever does - or listens, either) I swoop in and snatch the balls, fill up my sweatshirt pocket, and run into the other room. They carry their fight into the other room where I am - notice I have the balls - attempt to grab them from my pockets - and I ERUPT. Infuriated, I yell at the top of my lungs that they're basically juvenile and ridiculous. later on, a generally standoffish girl (who watched them fight, yet was too nervous to intercede) congratulates me for shutting them up.

he's the one, who likes all the pretty songs

WHERE HAVE ALL THE COWBOYS GONEEEEEEE?!?!


yipyeehaw, yipyeeay, yippieyah, yippyyipyayyeahyeahyiyiyeah.


brought to you by: seven mindnumbing hours of voicemail messages and blasting fax tones.


was told it only gets worse from here.

and an eeyore-ish 'oh well' to that.
the things we do to ourselves for money...


at least I have my buddy bard to chillax me out. conversational car rides, peanut m&m's, and both of us calling each other babies - me threatening to punch him, egging him to punch me - and miscellaneous nirvana facts.


I was doodling 'Charleston' in big bubbly cursive letters at work today. Hmm.

PBR

no more drinking, she says. (and then she does the opposite.)
just one more, she says. (why isn't she thinking about me?)


my liver, going on strike.


yeah, I'd donate my organs... but who'd REALLY want them? kyuh-mon.


alright, as of 15 minutes ago, the sun is out. time to go enjoy it!

I don't wanna be a curmuuuudgeon.

Bipolar days are really difficult - especially when you don't want to annoy anyone else with anything upsetting you may be feeling. After having felt particularly upbeat up until getting ready for work, everything seemed to reverse itself afterwards.
Taking a new bus route makes me super nervous and easily agitated, and while timing it out is generally a piece of cake, the traffic in this specific direction is a constant variant, and there I was at 4:20, panic stricken that I wouldn't make it to my 5pm shift in time, and still feeling bummed about my dad's package (he supposedly sent me a webcam so we could skype. if this was seriously swiped I am giving the stink eye to every noho bum for the rest of my time spent here. my roommate told me how our apartment complex is a bum's favorite spot to swipe packages.) so ANYWAYS, five minutes later, it finally pulls up. I grab the change in my pocket (what I thought was five quarters) and I hop on. Smiling, giving eye contact, and saying hi (like I always do to bus drivers) I drop the coins in, and go to sit in the back of the bus.
Not even getting a moment to get comfortable and stop freaking out, the bus driver yells, "THIS IS ONLY 1.05. I NEED 20 MORE CENTS FROM YOU."
Sheesh. They make the new nickels look like quarters. Oh so sorry, sir.
So me and my frozen hands attempt to rummage through my coin purse for twenty more cents. A nice gal near me offered it - but I'd found it right then. I get up while the bus is in motion and drop it in. I apologized and didn't get a response. Persnickety old man.
With twenty minutes remaining, I arrive at the mall, and began my fifteen minute journey across the super terrifying route 9, and onto the equally terrifying street off of route 9, squeezing myself to the side of the road best as I can while cars barrel by. (excuse my french, but it calmed me to chant 'fuck a duck' after each car passed.)
Luckily I GOT THERE AT 5pm! With my nose running each which way and whatnot. Composing myself in my workstation took a little bit of effort, for some reason I was so shook up I teared up a little. So then without wanting anyone to notice (especially the incredibly attractive guy two cubicley things down from me (they aren't actual full cubicles. a desk with walls, if you may) I made them stop, picked up my phone, and began. Got my first assessment, my rates are 'pretty good', for what I was told, did a survey with who had a really soothingly deep sexy voice (actually talked him into doing the survey, was reluctant at first - think he was enjoying it for the same reason? how could fellow buckeyes not like me.. I'd be an even sadder panda...) had not just one, but two, three - THREE CRAPPY CUPS OF COFFEE, 10pm came around, and I WAS CAFFEIN-ELATED! So then I put on the earphones and began my cold dark journey back to the mall, happy I'd at least get to sit in the little bus stop cubicle thingy ----
to find a UMass couple practically on top of each other making out and being all giggley while the few others that were waiting were obviously uncomfortably forced to wait outside of it, trying to ignore it. Inwardly fuming, I went over and sat on the frozen curb, staring at my ipod although wishing I was strong enough to just simply say something like, 'do you mind? we're all freezing here.' Duked it out, made it on the bus, was totally going in and out of consciousness (so tired...) right as I got off in town, the crosswalk was chirpin', so with my headphones still bumpin, I decided to run like a madwoman across the street.
All of a sudden, I get a tap on my shoulder. Whirling around in complete surprise and and quasi fright, was a man that had been on the bus in front of me, holding my cellphone... which fell out of my jacket when I was running. Lifesaver.
Got a grinder at Mimmos... was convinced to go eat it in the company of two good friends at Hugos, sittin' at the bar, watching the Daily Show and Colbert discussing it and laughing hysterically - whilst being completely sober. just SLUNKED (sleep deprivation drunk.)
Why I'm still awake? I don't know. Thanks to Donald Trump though, I will be writing a ridiculous fictitious story in my downtime. When I'm not pooped.


EDIT: It was PMS! Why do I always think I'm more messed up than I really am...

Updaaaaaaaaaaate!

Well see this is how it goes, once I get a job that I like, I start communicating with the outside world, and forget my lil bloggie. Abt, in my opinion, is a pretty chill place to work. I get to conduct surveys and talk to people on the phone all night long! Right now we're specifically talking to Ohio residents (uber geekout alert!) and one of them was from the county I used to live in (and for those who know me, think of how difficult it was for me to not immediately gab to said respondent that I lived there. yeah. you know.)
Valentines day... was just like any other day. I can always depend on my dad to at least send me a message - and apparently he sent a package... that hasn't come yet and we're suspecting it got swiped ... and I really hope it didn't, and that it's just late. :( Hanging out with friends after work though made the 'holiday' worthwhile - lots of roses, hugs, and beer.
Albeit feeling physically craptastic today, I visited my Noho mom (Kathy of Kathys Diner) and caught up with her while flirting with a little baby named Luke... he was giving me the BIGGEST SMILES in the world and had an adorable bear hat. Now I need to get ready for work. but there, that's life in a nutshell right now. minus the whole being in love part. (and now a bunch of things pop in my head to write... right when I decide to stop.)


PS to dudes specifically: Don't ever, ever, EVER - make fun of where a girl is from. Guys around here got a lot of learnin' to do - and need to run their mouths less.

blahdeeblah

Last night I dreamt that an old friend of mine and I were sharing the same space in a dorm like situation - and were switching off taking care of a baby.
Covering one wall completely, was an intricate rainbow-like piece I had made out of colored construction paper. At one point, my friends mom (and her friend, presumably) came to visit, and were talking about the mural.. they told me it was nice, but that it was only something I should do, because my friend wouldn't have time for such a 'pointless' craft; she was going to inherit the families two vehicles.

So of course I looked up 'baby' and 'rainbow.' While baby was a bunch of blahdeeblah (too many different meanings) rainbow was a bit more succinct:
"To see a rainbow in your dream, represents hope, success and good fortune in the form of money, prestige, or fame. The rainbow is also seen as a bridge between your earthly, grounded self and the higher, spiritual self. It refers to joy and happiness in your relationship. Alternatively, the rainbow is a symbol for gay pride in the western culture.

To see an all white rainbow in your dream, signifies heightened spirituality and purity."


I think I pretty much technically have a new job in Hadley, so that could be my good fortune. I'm not going to jump the gun, though.

"I'mmm the leppppreeechaaauuuunnnnn..."


EDIT: how could today get any better? my mood has been completely overhauled... I wake up, confirm a new job (start training tomorrow), go to pick up my 2nd and only paycheck from DD, ate a delicious meal, ran some errands to find out that I have a couple paychecks from Paradiso still waiting to be picked up?! I decided I'm going to start blogging positive thoughts and tips to coach myself to stop worrying about the junk that clouds my perception... it's time to push it. PUSH IT REAL GOOD.

And an additional note: as I was sitting watching an episode of This American Life (the showtime series) at a coffee shop today, a little baby in his fathers arms kept looking at me... and looked a lot like the baby in my dream. I know I sound SO lame but I wouldn't lie!

A Guide for the Lonely Girl

Tip #1: Tomato soup, Cheez-its, and CPTV are perfectly suitable replacements to an evening that would/could have been poorly spent at a drinking establishment where one would just be reminded of the lack of interesting men in this world... you know, the ones that aren't looking for drunk floozies? wait, all men like drunk floozies? dammit. Tip #2: I'm officially giving into the statement that you can't meet a good man in a bar, so I thought I'd just pass that along. Tip #3: If you're a poor lonely girl, try to not get too inflamed when sitting near a materialistic lonely girl in denial, especially the ones who yap on their phones about all the new clothes they're buying (when you would kill for at least a new pair of pants) or how they're going to drive their car to LA to visit their parents, and then move to New York. You are however, entitled to stealthily give the 'bitch, you crazy' look. just who exactly will be in a better position in the future? you can happily entertain those thoughts in your head. Tip #4: Sleeping and dreams > people, sometimes. they also apparently make you more aware and apt to deal with struggle, and help you repair from the people who make you feel weak. Tip #5: It's perfectly fine to crush on fictional characters from hilarious television shows. envisioning a perfect life with one always helps the spirit. Tip #6: If you're forward with a guy and he is completely lame about it, kick it to the curb immediately. He sucks. and always will suck. no ifs, ands, or booties. this also goes with if a guy can't even CALL you because 'oh gee in this age of social passivity i can get away with just sending a message and that makes everything okay!' no. its not okay. but you know what would make it okay? if they tattooed 'wimp' on their foreheads. then i'd be cool with it. What's a ladies equivalent to the lonely dudes' fern? Until next time..

But what does it mean?

Attempting to decipher the GRANDIOSE dreams I've been having lately.
(taken from http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/)

The past few days have involved...

Elaborately decorated rooms:
"To dream that you are in a room, represents a particular aspect of yourself or a specific relationship. Dreams about various rooms often relate to hidden areas of the conscious mind and different aspects of your personality. If the room is welcoming or comfortable, then it signifies opulence and satisfaction in life. If you see a dark or confined room, then it denotes that you feel trapped or repressed in a situation.

To dream that you find or discover a new room, suggests that you are developing new strengths and taking on new roles. You may be growing emotionally. Consider what you find in the discovered room as it may indicate repressed memories, fears, or rejected emotions. Alternatively, such rooms are symbolic of neglected skills or rejected potential.

To dream that you are in an empty white room, indicates a fresh start. It is like a blank canvas where you want to start life anew. Alternatively, the dream means that you are trying to isolate yourself. You do not want any outside influences.

To dream of a yellow room, suggests that you need to use your mind. You are feeling stimulated mentally."


Animals (That I was attempting to save from cages)
"To dream that you are saving the life of an animal, suggests that you are successfully acknowledging certain emotions and characteristics represented by the animal. The dream may also stem from feelings of inadequacy or being overwhelmed. If you are setting an animal free, then it indicates an expression and release of your own primal desires.

To see lab animals in your dream, suggest that an aspect of yourself is being repressed. You feel that you are not able to fully express your desires and emotions. Alternatively, it suggests that you need to experiment with your fears, choices, and beliefs. Try not to limit yourself."


An evil Iguana:
"To see an iguana in your dream, represents harshness, cold-heartedness or fierceness. You approach situations or problems with both hostility and unstoppable determination. The iguana may also remind you of someone or some situation in your waking life that you find frightening yet awe inspiring."


And a little boy:
"If you are female and dream that you see or are a boy, then it indicates that you are developing the masculine aspects of character. Alternatively, it may represent your feelings about a real-life boy who is important and significant to you. You may have a crush on this boy and your waking thoughts of him has carried over into the dream world. Your motherly instincts may be taking over."

That's it.

Nothing but creepy dreams, and restlessness as of late.

People in Motion

Not having the internet forces me to go to coffee shops and feel sufficiently awkward in the sense that I'm not doing anything particularly as profound as the people around me, it kind of leaves me with a daunting feeling - but I love watching people so content in their readings and various activities. My friend Will is a mere few feet across from me, heavily invested in a book and a note pad at his side, randomly scribbling. (He's also incredibly adorable - always has been.)

"Ooh, child, things are going to get easier. Ooh child things will get brighter."



Hopefully they will, today I finally got the guts to call my landlord to inform him that I will be moving out by the end of the month. I'm the kind of person that is petrified of scary things such as important phone calls - and letting other people down. But - honesty was necessary, comfort is needed, and non-existent at the moment.


"To keep in silence I resigned
My friends would think I was a nut

Turning water into wine
Open doors would soon be shut

So I went from day to day
Oh, my life was in a rut

'Til I thought of what I'd say
Which connection I should cut."





So where I will be moving to in a month - remains a mystery? Have the potential path of living in an artsy house near a lot of close friends, so that could be a soothing, healing idea for a little while --- prospective job too, with my managers being the coolest married couple I've ever met thus far in my travels. (I don't think married couples get any cooler than these two, as far as I'm concerned.)


Lost decade, that's what the news is saying we're in. "Rescuing ourselves from this era of diminished expectations is going to require far more than disseminating rosy projections about this year's stock market while touting the innate power of American business." (Source)


On the path of rescuing myself.

Recent Compilation of Dreams

from the past week.


the BAD dream night:
- condescending boss that, when I'd go in at the time told to, would say 'No, come in another hour' twice, to which I do, and then just says 'I don't need you.' Has a discussion with my dad when I'm present in the room - ignores me like I'm dumb and talks stereotypical sports with my dad - I pipe up and say 'what about politics?' and the boss (not my dad) yells at me to be quiet, and that I know nothing of politics.

- tidal waves. not just any, but the largest ones ever that envelop the sky - people frantically start to run in every direction, and luckily my brain turns off this scene before the apparent end result.



The Good dream night.
- A very Woodstocky event... which could have been triggered by watching Waynes World 2 recently, or just seeing the pictures of those giant mobs of people in Egypt. But anywhozels.. it was amazing. Especially the fabricated perfect dude I was attending the event with... who was a silly jokester who that always stealing my gazes and making me laugh, kissing me and holding me tight. In this same dream, I was working in a perfect office environment that was serious but fun, with the best staff... if I could have warped into a dream, this would have been the one.