Thursday, September 15, 2011

40 minutes.

okay, so TECHNICALLY it's not my birthday until approximately 8:04am in the morning, but doesn't everyone get the pre-birthday jitters with the whole clock striking twelve thing?

so, this is... my first soberly alone birthday in... seven years. I'm sitting here silently, watching Breaking Bad. While I'd normally gather up friends to celebrate... they're all... approximately 1,303 miles away, although of the couple new ones I have down here, yesterday I was treated to sushi and st. pete explorations after my 'magical rainbow imaging' - which brings me to what I really want on my birthday.

1. Results from my MRI - conclusive fucking evidence of what has plagued me for over two years. it's getting progressively uglier and more intolerable every friggin minute, and the giant machine that swallowed my leg and made extremely loud ERRRERRRERRRRRRERRR noises for twenty minutes (while producing a very odd tingly feeling in my leg) better show me what the hell is wrong, or I'm writing a letter to GE questioning their engineering (...I jest.)

EDIT: 12:30pm Results have been confirmed, I have a ganglion cyst in my knee, which is a tumor that will... obviously need to be removed surgically. How I trooped this out for two years now baffles the shit out of me. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger I guess.

2. A real, strong lead on a job. Preferably, a second interview with the Animal Hospital for the Veterinary Receptionist position. Or really, anything. Responses in the form of e-mails or phone calls, smoke signals, telepathic messages... but really, something I will be able to throw myself into asap, and if the results from #1 are not so great, something immobile - desk job of sorts: receptionist, secretary, even call centers. Gotta do what I can for the moment. I've been doing callbacks and everything I can fathom for the time being, I just need someone to a) take me on b) take me seriously... because dammit, I've been serious. Serious to the point where as much as I think I miss sedative endeavors, I'm happier thinking of myself as the total control freak that X's them all out because I need to know what's going on up there at all times. Can't have my own mind tricking me anymore.

3. All I really want gift-wise is hearing from friends and family... even estranged ones that, for some reason or other at some point, got completely disconnected. Presumably, for something stupid that I did. (Not all of course, some could just be distance related, but let's stay on topic about the stupidity...) Old me had a really difficult time owning up to her own dumbass actions, and losing these people ... was the unfortunate end result. My stubborn ass refused to see the wrong it had caused in the past. I'm no saint, and if I ever stupidly painted myself as one, well... you probably deciphered the underlying truth in any idiotic statement or justification 'old me' made. I really miss a lot of people I can't seem to get through to anymore... but I was blind to the hurt I may have caused others. While I don't know how to necessarily fix them (I am no 'My Name is Earl') If I could just get a 'hello' out of some of these people... I would like to start back from the beginning. I mean, I'm super faraway now in crazy Scientologist Clearwater-ville (which until a few days ago didn't know is pretty much their main hub for hubbard) ... I can't just have a little bit of correspondence with people I care about? I do worry about everyone becoming more robotic, and giving up on writing notes to people THEY care about. C'mon people, the postal service is going under for chrissake. Least we could do is send more [post]cards or just plain ol' pieces of lined paper with any sort of scribble one can elicit.
EDIT: I really shouldn't completely blame me for it all, some of these people could use to grow up, along with myself.

4. Ice Cream. This is self explanatory.

5. I decided to list this one, even though I already got it a couple hours ago. While the health insurance that was instated by my fathers company is only supposed to cover me till I'm 26, I worried it would run out tomorrow and I wouldn't be able to progress with the already many steps I've taken to heal my leg. The very cordial Cigna lady told me on the phone tonight that I am covered until the end of the month. I told her that was the best birthday present ever, and she wished me a happy one. After hanging up, I exclaimed 'HALLELUJAH!' out loud. My anxiety over getting this settled in the remainder of this month is still present, but my present to myself today: forgetting anxiety for one day, and attempting to just really enjoy... life.

It's midnight. Hooray.

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